Paris

I hopped off the train at Montpernasse* with a map and my cam-er-a
Welcome to the land of love and lights (whoa) don’t have an a-gen-da
I check out the sky, looks like maybe a shower
Look to the right and I see the ugly tower
This is all so cliché, everybody’s speaking franglish

My tummy’s turning ‘cause I’m feeling kinda hungry
Need a baguette or a sandwich
And then I did a bunch of tourist things
And I walked around a lot (x3)

Then I put my hands up
I’m fin’ly in France
Seeing all that I can see
Arc de Triumph right here, Notre Dame right down there
Then I put my hands up
I’m fin’ly in France
It’s not quite how I thought it’d be
Yeah! In the city they call Paris (Pair-ee) (x2)

~To be read/sung to the tune of “Party in the U.S.A.” by Molly Cyrus
*Montpernasse is a main train/metro station in Paris.

Appreciate that. It’s a lot harder than I though.

Explanation: I went to Paris a few weekends ago. It was a long time coming.

So Paris, what’s that like? Monumental. That pun is intended like you wouldn't believe.

Eiffel Tower. This structure, for lack of a better word, is actually ugly. Sure it is iconic and perhaps a feat of engineering, but that doesn’t mask its aesthetically displeasing appearance. All that steel/iron/some unidentifiable metal painted an ugly brown color. No matter, I still went to see it. It is the Eiffel Tower, after all.

The tower was built for the 1889 World’s Fair. There was a competition. This design won. It has three levels and more restaurants than some American malls. Let’s go up, shall we?

Problem: A lot of people want to go to the Eiffel Tower in Paris and the elevators cost more than some three course dinners. Solution: Take the stairs.

Problem: There are a lot of stairs. Solution: Every now and again, there are posters/signs that have fun facts about the Eiffel Tower. You can stop and read them. That is to say, stop and desperately catch your breath.

Fact: There are over 2.5 million rivets holding the Eiffel Tower together.

I knew a LOT of other facts, but I forget most of them. Probably because while I was reading them, I was worried I might die from asphyxiation. Something about the tower weighing as much as a bunch of elephants… I may have been delirious.

From the top, the view is pretty pretty. Paris:

The view is pretty much the same from each level. The only incentive to go to the third floor is this:

So, you should know that I had absolutely no plans for this weekend trip. Those of you who know me will understand how this might be a problem. There was only one goal: see as many monuments as possible.

Bastille.

This is where the French Revolution “started.” There were angry revolutionaries, a prison, and injustice involved. Also, that modern building in the background is the Opera Bastille. The French think it is ugly. I might refer them to a certain tower.

Les Halles.

This is where the market used to be. It’s not there anymore. Now it’s a park and an underground shopping mall. I went because the market used to be there.

Place de la Concorde. Obelisk.

This sits at one end of the Champs-Élysées. It has gone through a lot of changes over the years, but this is where King Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette were executed and other fun things like that. Now there are some pretty impressive fountains and this obelisk. Straight from Egypt, it has hieroglyphics about pharaoh Ramses II. That’s fun, huh?

The Champs-Elysées.

This one was a disappointment. I thought the Champs-Eleysée implied luxury brands, lavish restaurants, and affluent French snobs. Reality says differently. There are two McDonald’s, a Starbucks, and a Gap, among others.

Arc de Triomphe.

Another iconic monument. It was commissioned by Napoleon in honor of a military victory at Austerlitz (wherever that is). It took a long time to build and there is a lot of significance in the architecture and whatnot. Also, there is a Tomb of the Unknown Soldier honoring fallen soldiers from both world wars under the arc. I got my picture. That was enough.

There is a curious theme in Paris: Giant monuments (both in stature and importance) at the center of equally giant traffic circles. Kind of takes away from it.

Notre Dame.

I did so many mediocre reports/projects in high school about this cathedral. Here are the basics: Gothic, 12-13th Centuries, gargoyles, flying buttresses. That is all you need to know.

Le Louvre.

I didn't actually go inside the museum of museums. That is another trip. I did see the outside, though. The pyramids are pretty famous. Not a lot of French people like them. Again, I refer them to that tower.

Palais Garnier.

The old opera house in Paris. It is considered a masterpiece by architects and is pretty impressive from the outside. To be honest, though, I was more interested in the street performers that were dancing near the steps. Also, you know the Phantom of the Opera? That is here.

Sacre-Coeur.
This is a pretty church at the top of a giant mountain. There was another funicular train involved… and I didn’t know about it, again. Basics: Romano-Byzantine, 20th Century, no flying buttresses. We went to Mass on Sunday morning. It was a terrible experience. Even during Mass they allow tourists to walk through the church. It was very distracting. And it is much more impressive from the outside than the inside, anyway.

The view.

Moulin Rouge.

The Red Windmill. Many a burlesque show has taken place here. I wouldn’t know anything about that. I do know that there are quite a few novelty stores in the area surrounding area. “Novelty” in the strictest sense of the word. I wouldn’t know anything about that either.

And then we went to the Musée d’Orsay. There were no pictures allowed there, but I saw me a little Van Gogh, Manet, Monet, Degas, and others. If there was a color to describe your feelings right now, it would be green.

My feelings: I had an unrealistically romantic vision of Paris before going. So many years of perfect pictures of monuments and the like tend to do that. Paris is still an awesome city. I didn’t even scratch its surface.

I guess I’ll just have to go back.